Like 99.9% of women I have issues with the scale.

Our janky scale. Nothing fancy for us.

My sister and I are separated by two years. I’m the youngest.  Growing up I was always the “chunky” sister and most often people thought I was older due to this. I wasn’t in denial of my weight, I just accepted that I was the chunky one. I was an active child, always on the go, but will readily admit that I had poor eating habits and was quite stubborn. My mom and dad beat their heads against the wall when it came to feeding me. I went through the “only peanut butter and jelly stage” followed by the “only hot dog stage”.  No matter what they tried I wouldn’t budge. It’s really no surprise that I was diagnosed with high cholesterol at a young age.

My horse showing days.

6th Grade. Quite obvious that I was responsible for doing my hair. Needless to say my hair styling skills have yet to develop to this day, hence why I have short hair.

It was then that I started reading packaging labels on all foods. As I entered the 7th grade my baby fat started to fall off. I attribute this to the controlled diet I had while spending a month in the hospital when I fractured my femur and my body working overdrive to heal itself.

Me and my seester as I head into my freshman year of high school.

Although thinner, I was still the larger sister but didn’t pay much attention to what I was eating and really had no worries.  As I went through high school and on into college I still didn’t worry about my weight.  When I married D in 2002 I weighed 115 pounds without even trying.

Like so many, within a year of marriage I started packing on pounds.  Within 3 years time I gained 20 pounds. D also struggled with his weight.

Happiest place on Earth. Also, us at our unhealthiest.

In 2005 I started to unhealthily limit my carbohydrates and lost some weight.  By 2007 I started running.  Initially I didn’t start running to necessarily lose weight but to be healthier.  However, once I started to see the weight melt off I started paying attention to what I was eating.  I didn’t count calories per se but I limited my food intake and I’d weigh myself 10 or so times a day. That’s not a typo. It was at this time that I became obsessed with the scale.  With my obsessive tendencies this is no surprise. In no way did I have a eating disorder but I did have issues.

I used this photo in a recent post and received a comment from Heather on how great I looked. Little did she know that this was when I was severely watching my food intake and exercise.

Soon enough I was down to my wedding weight and yet I never felt thin or fit.  At that time I flirted with the idea of going vegetarian and decided to give it a go.  This had nothing to do with my weight.  Unfortunately complex carbohydrates tend to be a staple for vegetarians, specifically those just starting out, and I gained a little weight.  Not tremendous, but some.  After more research I decided to try living a low fat raw vegan lifestyle in hopes of reducing my weight gain and living the healthiest lifestyle I could attain. I gave up the scale without looking back.

Initially I did fantastic and felt great.  I didn’t lose weight but I wasn’t gaining. However, as I stated previously, it was tough for me to maintain.  I continued on with the lifestyle even if I could only maintain it part time. Fast forward to now.  I’ve noticed my body changing and not for the better. I’ve decently maintained my running and activities so I can only guess this is from my body going into a tailspin trying to figure out what and how much I’m feeding myself (remember, low fat raw veganism calls for large amounts of calories).

I’ve avoided the scale knowing that it could open a can of worms for me…and then something occurred last week.

Long story short I had to step on the scale last week at work and I was not happy with the number.  I knew I wouldn’t be.  What’s more frustrating for me is that I tout the idea that “It’s not about the number but if the pants fit” and here I am focusing on a number. But I gotta be honest with myself, my pants aren’t fitting as well as they should.

Do I love low fat raw veganism?  Yes, I love it.  The problem is I can’t be 100% and obviously that’s causing problems.  Will I totally give up raw veganism?  No, but it’s time for me to move forward in my life journey of finding what works for me and take with me many aspects of what I’ve learned.  My hope is to tweak them to my needs.   My biggest fear?  Relapsing to basically starving myself and returning to my scale obsession. I can’t let that happen. Thankfully at this point in my life I think I’ve realized that thin doesn’t mean healthy.

Why am I writing this? I’m not real sure. I think it just proves that although I pride myself on being a person that is health-minded, I’m still human. It’s also a reminder that we all need to find out what works best for us and that just because it worked before doesn’t mean it will work now.  And lastly, our health is an ongoing process.  One that must be revisited and assessed often.

Keep Smiling and Be Grateful =)